The first thing I wrote after my assault.... I have come so far, but this still hits home....
To the man who stole my life:
If I knew the day that I met you what kind of person you really were, I would have never acknowledged your presence. We grew up in church together and I admired you for years from afar. I always wondered what it would be like to have you as a friend, and possibly more. You were amazing at playing the part of a good Christian pastor's son. I reached out to you years later in hope that we could be more than just acquaintances. Sure enough, you took every expectation I had of you and exceeded them all. You surprised me with your kind and gentle nature and I knew I wanted to pursue something more.
Who knew that the man I fell for at 10 years old would be the same man who destroyed my every being. You suffocated me with extreme jealousy, you isolated me to make sure that I felt alone, you lied to me to make yourself look better in the relationship, you made me feel guilty for losing weight because you thought I was trying to impress other men, and you tricked me into honestly believing you cared.
After months of subtle manipulation, you did something unforgivable. You took advantage of me while I was unconscious after a night of drinking. I was in denial and shocked that you could ever stoop so low to leave bruises on my body. You were supposed to protect me and look out for me. Instead, you decided to take a vulnerable state and abuse the situation. You took pictures of me fully naked and unconscious and saved them in your phone.
After over 40 minutes of you raping me and doing God knows what with my body, you finally stopped. I will never know why you decided to stop, whether you had got what you had wanted or you simply got tired...while I was passed out the entire time. After days of contemplating what had occurred that night, I built the courage to go to your co-workers ( the police) to report it. I was shaking, nervous, and confused on what was going to happen when I spoke out about this incident.
What turned into confiding in the police as a safe haven, quickly changed into a nightmare that I would have never been able to predict. You had the upper hand. You were a police officer. You were automatically deemed the honest one. I was deemed the liar. I was interrogated, questioned, emotionally torn down, and treated like I was a criminal. I was the victim in the situation, yet somehow, I was the one that was being tracked down at work and harassed with phone calls. I was scared to confide in friends for help. I was nervous to leave my apartment, but even more scared to stay alone in my own apartment. I found myself getting a lawyer....the victim....getting a lawyer to protect myself... from the police.
If I had the choice to go back now, I would have never reported what you did to me. I would have lived my entire life with the scars of what you did to me. I would have never spoke to you again. But I cannot go back. Your lawyer will rip me apart, using all the personal information that I once confided in you with. The harsh words he will use against me all came from one source.... you. You are the common denominator in this entire fucked up situation. You twisted my vulnerable state to protect your lies. You took my life and made it a mockery for all to see.
I will assure you that you will win this. You will get away with your twisted and sick actions. You will get to either tear me down in front of a court (with the support of your officer friends) or I will walk away having to deal with the damage that will forever haunt me. Regardless, you will get what you want....me to break.
There is no way that this situation will end well for me. Nothing I will ever do will make this go away. Nothing I will ever do will make me forget what you did to me. Nothing I will ever do will make what you did okay.
The night you chose to disregard me as a human and as your girlfriend and you ruined my life now and forevermore. I cannot eat. I cannot sleep. I cannot stop crying. I cannot stop pain. I cannot stop feeling as though somehow I could have prevented this. I loved you and would have gone to the end of the world to help you in any situation. I would have never made this report under malicious terms. I would have never gotten you in trouble with your work intentionally. I would have never belittled you to anyone, even after this situation. I did not speak a mean word about you. It was all just the incident and what happened. You did not have the same respect for me.
The "system" failed me. What was set up to protect me, worked in your favor just because you worked as the "system." While you are out on duty, serving the community, you are also harboring the disgusting actions you took against me that night. You are part of the demented system that is set up to "serve and protect." What they forgot to mention is that they will not serve and protect against predators like you who are in a uniform.
My self esteem is destroyed. My independence is destroyed. My life is destroyed. No matter how this situation ends, I just want you to know one thing... the one thing you have fought so hard to hear with your manipulative words and your disgusting actions.....
you win.
Sincerely,
me